By Sue Siebens
Many of our behaviors are based on subconscious fears from past traumas and collected coping skills. Often we ascribe certain behaviors to aspects of our personality: shy, loud, arrogant, pushy, peace-maker, perfectionist. Regardless of how expressed, personality traits show up on a spectrum that reflects our inner emotional states.
While we may not feel the need to change, we will be more content and joyous when we aren’t constantly reacting to situations with fear.
This is the fourth installment on Fear-Based Behaviors. (Read from the first post in the series here.)
Our fourth topic in this series is Overpower/Taking Control: Controlling the Fear.
We all want to control what happens in our lives to some measure. Behind almost every controlling action is fear, such as being alone, rejected, or of poverty or other trauma-based emotional imprints. These behaviors are driven by anxiety and the need to feel safe. [1]
Control can go two ways: toward the self and others.
Self-control is something we learn as we grow from kids to adults. It includes
· impulse control—stop and think before acting,
· emotional control – coping and managing disappointments and feelings,
· movement control – managing how your body moves and when
Collectively, these executive functions keep our relationships with ourselves and others running smoothly. When these controls are not integrated, we can display the following behaviors:
· Lack verbal filters, blurt things out, interrupt, talk out of turn, talk too much
· Act without thinking, rush through tasks and assignments, procrastinate, inconsistently follow rules
· Get frustrated quickly, not handle criticism when things get tough or give up entirely
· Have trouble maintaining emotional equilibrium, overreacting to disappointments and victories
· Physical restless, fidgety, can’t sit still or stay in line
· Disrupt games and conversations with movement, unaware of their physical space and run into people [2]
There are also ways we control how we feel and situations that are uncomfortable:
· Using alcohol, TV, meditation, breath-work, recreational drugs, sex, and exercise to shift our mood
· Living downtown because we are afraid of driving, living far away from our parents or family
· Excusing ourselves by saying that we are not feeling well because we do not want to see relatives at thanksgiving? Or coworkers at a party
Sometimes people that lack self-control fill that void by controlling others. In a way, they project their shortcomings on others.[3]
Outward controlling behavior is when a person expects, compels, or requires others to cater to their own needs – even at the others’ expense. [4]
Common behaviors include:
· Being uncomfortable in new circumstances and often being unwilling to adapt to them
· Excessive need to impress others, be someone’s BFF or teacher’s pet
· Lying and manipulating others to direct events and choices
· Jealously not allowing partners to have their own friends, particularly friends of the opposite sex or gender they are attracted to
· Micromanaging employees or family members
· Controlling all conversations, talking over, frequently interrupting
· Using the “silent treatment” instead of words to express displeasure
· Bad-mouthing and belittling other’s appearance or behavior to affect change
· Being a penny pincher, controlling all the finances, hiding accounts
· Shifting the blame for their own behavior to their target
These examples of self-control or other control expand in scope and volume on a spectrum of abuse and personality disorders. [5] It’s all about fear and controlling things to ease uncomfortable feelings. Despite how trivial or abusive the controlling behaviors are, getting rid of the fear frees all parties involved.
We may not want to admit that we lack self-control or are controlling others (except maybe our kids, which is a necessary obligation they should age out of quite quickly.)
But don’t reject this idea out of hand. Take the time to look at the little manipulations, redirections and shifting power dynamics in your relationships. We all have these behaviors to some degree.
If you are willing to let go of the fear behind these exchanges, you will find yourself in relationships with less stress and drama. You will still recognize when your voice and authority are needed, but it won’t be driven by fear, *heavy sigh of relief!*
So how do we let go of these hidden fears that push us to control?
Behaviors are emotions that are not felt consciously. The subconscious connects a current environmental stimulus (sights, sounds, smells, life situations, etc.) with an unprocessed emotional memory. And we are triggered because the unprocessed emotional memory still exists.
The entire body is our emotional organ. When an emotion is stimulated, it appears in the body first, and the body quickly “cleans up” the emotional message after it has been received. The brain reacts by deciding what action to take. Sometimes in high-stress situations, the body doesn’t have the time or opportunity to finish the cleanup job, and an imprint of the emotion remains in the body. This unprocessed emotional imprint is the source of the future-triggered emotion.
Emotional Resolution, EmRes, is a body of work designed to resolve unprocessed emotional memories. By accessing recent triggered emotional episodes, EmRes directs the body to clean up imprints, which breaks down the triggering cycle.
It is not necessary to know how, when, where or why the emotion was stuck in the first place. And it is not required to share personal details beyond the outline of the specific emotional episode being addressed.
The subconscious knows all the details and secrets already. EmRes employs the subconscious to direct the body’s cleanup work directly to the emotional root of the problem. Then using interoception, feeling body sensations, the body processes the memory. In an amazingly short time, the emotional imprint of that situation is gone.
It can feel like magic because of the quick relief EmRes brings. But it's based on new understandings in modern neuropsychology.
By addressing controlling behaviors and the situations that trigger them with EmRes, we process the old stuff that has gone deep into our subconscious. That same situation will not trigger that controlling behavior again – not ever.
So:
· When are you pushing others or yourself?
· When are you imposing your authority when it is not your project or house?
· When do you have to be right (about everything)?
References
1. Why Anyone Would Want to Control You, https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-anyone-would-want-to-control-you
2. The 3 types of self-control, https://www.understood.org/en/articles/the-3-types-of-self-control
3. Who cannot control himself tries to control the others, https://psychology-spot.com/controlling-the-others/
4. Controlling Behavior: Signs, Causes, And What To Do About It, https://www.supportiv.com/relationships/controlling-behavior-signs-causes-what-to-do
5. How to deal with Controlling People, https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/controlling-people
6. articles/controlling-people
Image by ashish choudhary from Pixabay
About Sue
Sue Siebens uses Emotional Resolution, EmRes, to work at a fundamental level, where the roots of the illness, fear, and pain can be accessed and resolved. Sue teaches and writes to raise awareness about this new technology so that as many people as possible can find relief and peace in their life. Sue is based in Dallas, Tx, USA.