By Sue Siebens
Fear is a huge distraction. It erodes our competency and steals our agency.
Instinctual fear is automatic and required—it’s a survival thing. But triggered fears are not based in our current reality; they are only reflections of past experiences prompted by current sensorial cues. Being repeatedly afraid without a survival threat changes how we view others, ourselves and our place in the world. We lose our ability to manage risk and threats effectively. Our capacity to deal with life is diminished. [1]
This is the fifth and final installment on Fear-Based Behaviors. (Read from the first post in the series here.)
Our fifth topic in this series is Seducing: Going Toward the Fear.
What if we could make friends with a fear that dominates us?
From people-pleasing and codependence to Stockholm syndrome, negotiating directly with the source of our fear is a common strategy. Often people-pleasing is a learned behavior of hoping for better treatment from those that have mistreated them.
Kindness is not the same thing. Being kind and cooperative in relationships allows for self-care and maintaining boundaries. People-pleasing demonstrates a reluctance to “disappoint” others at our own expense—even if it seems minor at the time. Others will see that we can be taken advantage of, and they will.
Signs that you are a people-pleaser:
· You can’t say no or speak up for ourselves
· You often apologize either due to excessively blaming yourself or thinking you will be accused you beat others to the punch
· You pretend to agree with everyone because you want to be liked.
· You are uncomfortable when someone is displeased or angry with you and go to great lengths to avoid conflict
· You won’t admit when your feelings are hurt
· You feel responsible for how other people feel
· You act like the people around you, including setting aside your own goals and agency and adopting other’s, if you think it will please them
· You need praise and validation to feel good about yourself, your work or your circumstances
· You feel burdened by the things you have to do, especially if someone else wants you to do it [2]
Sometimes we feel as if it is our only choice. It can be hard to hold our ground in the face of someone who needs us or is a bully or abuser. It can be challenging if we fear that being or saying what we truly want and need will negatively damage our relationships. The guilt and fear of rejection or disappointment can be overwhelming. If the opposing person becomes indignant or retaliatory when we say no, it becomes easier and easier to comply with their wishes and abandon our own needs. [3]
So how do we let go of these fears that make us submit repeatedly?
The emotions stoking our fear have been with us so long our subconscious now drives it. Whether we remember their origin or not, these subconscious fears are the remnants of emotions left unprocessed during a high-stress event. High-stress events are different for each person—what stresses me out may not worry you and vice versa.
The body handles all emotions we experience. Every day, our body feels physical sensations associated with emotions and cleans them up. Under high-stress conditions, our body may be too occupied with other concerns to do its clean-up work. In this case, the emotional sensory imprint lingers in the body. This imprint is the source of the triggered emotion.
Emotional Resolution, EmRes, is a body of work based on interoception, feeling physical sensations. EmRes allows the body to process the unprocessed emotional imprints that remain in the body.
EmRes is based in the understanding and developments of modern neuropsychology. It is not another coping method. EmRes removes the sensory imprint permanently.
Once the emotional sensory imprint is gone, it will not be triggered by current circumstances. It is gone—no more triggering.
There are benefits to using interoception to reach the root of unprocessed emotion.
· We don’t have to know how, where, when or why the original emotion was left unprocessed.
· There is no reliving of the original event, even if it is remembered
· It is not required to share personal details if it’s too uncomfortable
· Each session brings relief; usually, only a few sessions are necessary for more complex issues.
The pace and frequency of EmRes' work is driven by the desire to feel better. Each EmRes session is complete in and of itself. But of course, the more triggered emotions are resolved, the better your life will be, and the more you will be able to stand in your power.
So:
· When are you trying to befriend or seduce the source of the fear?
· When do you agree, even when it goes against your best interest?
· When do you cover up your personality and behave like “them” to fit in?
· When do you agree to activities that are not in alignment with your goals or happiness?
· When do you need compliments to feel happy or appreciated?
· When are you people-pleasing to avoid conflict?
EmRes can lead you to the contentment to step up to your own life with confidence.
References
1. Running Toward Fear: the Key to Reducing Anxiety, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-older-dad/201211/running-toward-fear-the-key-reducing-anxiety
2. 10 Signs You're a People-Pleaser, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201708/10-signs-youre-people-pleaser
3. Are You a People-Pleaser?, https://whatiscodependency.com/what-causes-people-pleasing-are-you-a-people-pleaser/
Photo by Mathilda Khoo on Unsplash
About Sue
Sue Siebens uses Emotional Resolution, EmRes, to work at a fundamental level, where the roots of the illness, fear, and pain can be accessed and resolved. Sue teaches and writes to raise awareness about this new technology so that as many people as possible can find relief and peace in their life. Sue is based in Dallas, Tx, USA.